Weaning.

Well Adalaide is on her last stretch of nursing. I do have mixed feelings about it, but at this point I am too tired to fight it.
She has done a lot better than Lorelai did, so that in itself feels like progress. I wish I was one of those women who breastfed without issue, but I am not. Just like with Lorelai, I hit a point where I am tired of thinking out nursing every waking moment. Drinking gallons of water, forcing Addy to feed often, pumping, waking up so uncomfortable I can no longer sleep, or waking up...wet. We'll just leave it at that.
I know some women love it; love feeling close to their baby, having a special connection through simple mother nature. Honestly, I don't get that whole "it's so beautiful" feeling most of the time. I mainly feel frustrated. I feel pretty close to my baby as is...I think it's that whole, you-grew-inside-me thing. I do regret the loss of the health benefits though. Nothing is exactly like breast milk, but she has been supplementing for months and is now eating cereal and baby food every day, I do firmly believe her health and well being will not suffer.
Some times I feel selfish when I get excited about being done with nursing. I feel like my wants should not be on the forefront, Addy's should be. But, then I remind myself how she screams and fights me on breastfeeding throughout the day. My "easy nurser" turned rogue awhile ago. My constant efforts to maintain and increase my supply are in vein when she refuses to eat unless it's in a bottle. I could pump and feed her that in a bottle, but really? My whole day, whole schedule would revolve around that.
You see? It's a see-saw of pros and cons, happiness and frustrations. So, I finally adopted my current outlook. Try to breast feed straight from the breast. It's for Adalaide, if she refuses, then that's that. I don't want to be attached to a machine half the day. If my own baby doesn't want to eat the "natural" way, then we are done. No fighting, no frustrations...and that's why we are down to one 5 minute feeding every 12hrs. That's all I can get her to take. When it's time, it's time, ya know?
Sorry if this was a muddled blog full of TMI or whiny complaints. I just have to go through this litany with myself before I can let it go. Mommy guilt at its finest. ;)


M.LEWIS