Are We Done Yet?

I have a confession to make.

I am overwhelmed.

I realized this early this morning around 3:45am when Adalaide had woken up for the third time, screaming and crying, and I threw down her diaper wipes in a momentary lapse of self-control and patience. There was also begging of Addy to stop in a louder than appropriate voice.

I immediately felt ashamed for losing my cool. I should have handled it better. But, after all, I am human, and I have my breaking point. While this breaking point might seem small and silly, it was the annoying cherry on my very large, frustrating cake.

I'll elaborate.

Over the past 5 weeks our little family has been drugging through an eventful schedule. It all started around 12/13 when Adalaide and Lorelai went to the pediatrician for their well visits. Lorelai's meltdown there was exhausting.
Of course, we learned there that she was recommended to see a speech therapist. That of course, did not go exactly as planned, and I still have that hanging over my head.
We were all sick for a week and half around new year's, along with Adalaide's trip to the ER and then again to the pediatrician for pink eye the next week.
We finally got our pipe fixed in the front yard after almost a month of confusion and miscommunication, though I am now concerned their work may have crippled our tree, maybe even have killed it. Spring will tell.
Lorelai then crushed her finger under my parents' rocking recliner chair. We are still unsure how, but it got stuck and instantly turned purple, nail and all. It was swollen, bruised, and she refused to use it. Putting on a shirt was reason to fall to the ground crying, fearing it would hurt too much to put her hand through the sleeve.
We visited the pediatrician again, though this time our doctor was out and we saw his fill-in, which was good...less embarrassing for me.

"Hi, yes, me again. Fourth time, in a month. I promise I take care of my kids, really!"

...the nurses noticed though, I am sure of this. I can tell because my kid is the one that screams bloody murder when you ask her to stand on the scale. She will also scream if you want to listen to her heartbeat, take her pulse, look at her injury, talk to her in any capacity, or look in her general direction.
Yes. They remember Lorelai, for sure.
After the Dr. looked at her finger he ordered her xrays. We had to go to the hospital and wait, it wasn't too bad, but the actual xrays were not fun.
I then spent hours waiting to hear the results.
If it was broken we had to see an orthopedist...where more crying and screaming were in order. There was also the stress and guilt of the fact that I actually had broke my kid in some manner.
After hours and hours, we finally got the call that pronounced her finger ok, and we just needed to keep it stable and secure for a week. It should look much better by then, and we can let her use it normally. We will have to see if her nail falls off. Man, I hope it doesn't. I can handle blood, but finger/toe nails. Yuck. (I don't know why.)

I was supposed to pick up Phoebe's meds yesterday, but never got around to it. I also never made dinner. I felt thoroughly spent. Lorelai was asleep by 8pm and Addy had been in bed since 7pm, but was up around 10:15pm crying again.
This kiddo is 10 months old and is still waking up multiple times a night on a very regular basis. She has never consecutively slept through the night. One night here and there, but never more than one night at a time. And those nights come once every 3-4 weeks.

I am so tired. Not just physically, but mentally, and emotionally. I love, love, love my kids, but I need a break. I don't mean like, "I need to leave them and go away" but like "can you all just be healthy, un-hurt, decent eaters, good nap-takers, sleep-through-the-night kids for like a week? 5 days? Just a few days, so I can recharge? No appointments, no massive meltdowns, no fevers, no mystery rashes, no blood, no water flooding the house, no Phoebe eye-issues, just...normalcy for a few days. That would be fantastic.
...But alas, that is not happening for me yet. And this is my long-winded explanation of why I lost it for a brief moment this morning. Chris did save me from myself, but honestly, I had been soldiering through this chaos for weeks, and sooner or later, something was going to make me "snap."

And while I feel bad for shouting and slamming down an object like my moody three-year old, no one is hurt, no one is worse for wear. It was just mommy throwing a temper tantrum, then shaming herself in her head until she fell back asleep from sheer exhaustion...no biggie. Right?

Life has thrown us some really nice curve balls, but right now, these pitches s.u.c.k.

I humbly pray for patience, strength, and understanding. I pray for my kids to stay healthy and to heal. I pray for sleep and peace.
I know I am one of many spent moms asking for these things, but yet, that doesn't make me feel any better. I also pray for the thing that will make me feel better.

Please God, are we done yet?



M.LEWIS